Losing first love lose it without losing yourself

Anyone who remembers his first love would probably agree that losing your first love is one of the most traumatic, painful emotional experiences of a person’s younghood. When our very first love is not reciprocated or when it abandons us, we truly feel crashed and our world collapses. That perfect world that we thought we had with that perfect person who we were crazy about all of a sudden became not as stable and as eternal as we first thought. After all, every man and a woman tend to believe that that first person who they fall for is that one-of-a-kind special partner that will spend a lifetime with them. When these hopes are shattered by the common reality of losing first love, we feel betrayed, powerless, and above all – angry; we believe that there has to be something we could do to fix the situation, to bring that person back into our life and to resolve any differences that caused the break-up. Usually, however, our attempts to bring our first “ex” back only have the reverse effect – they distance our first romantic partner even further from us and make the break-up hurt even more. As in most other situation, you cannot impose yourself upon someone who doesn’t want to be with you, and the harder you try the more undesirable you will become.

It hurts losing your first love and most people would agree that the first break-up is the hardest one. It is unbearable to be without your first lover, look at the photos of the two of you, think about all the things you have done together and plan to do together. But hey, you have to move on. Overcoming such painful experiences is almost inevitable, and it is your duty to yourself to handle a break-up the right way.

So, what can you do to aleviete that pain, if you are at the stage of having the bitter taste of losing love for the first time in your life?

First and foremost, you have to realize that no matter how bad and how unique your pain is, it is what everyone feels and experiences when in your shoes. And guess what – the vast majority of people do not settle and spend their whole life with their first love. Every young boy and girl cry, reminiscing on the great times that they had with their first beloved, the looks they got and gave to each other, their magic nights, all the places they went together and all the things they did together and have in common. No matter how special and unique you believe your situation is and no matter how one-of-a-kind you think your love is, I have to tell you that you are not the first person who feels that way, so you must remember that what you feel is not uncommon for a person in your situation, and it can be successfully dealt with, and you will deal with it and will eventualy overcome it and will move on.

Secondly, if that other person initiated a break-up, you must stop trying to get him/her back. During my work with people of different ages and dating backgrounds, I haven’t yet seen one person return to anyone as a result of being convinced by the one they broke up with to come back. You should realize that if a person made a decision to leave you, then he/she has their own reasons for it that might even be beyond your ability to relate or change. Anything you do to bring that person back into your life will only make you more unattractive and even repelling to him/her.

Thirdly, you should know that there is no shortcut or a quick trick that will allow you to get over your pain. Getting over first love takes time! A certain amount of time must elapse before the pain begins going away. It might take anywhere from several weeks to several months before you feel any relief.  By keeping youself busy and interested in other people socially and romantically, you will help the healing process dramatically. It is also very important that you remember that what you feel is normal. It’s an emotion. An emotion of love and romantic interest takes time to develop and it takes time to go away when you break up. You cannot expect something you felt for months or years to disappear overnight. In fact, you should be concerned if you don’t feel any pain, as that should raise some concerns about your emotional availability and sensitivity as a human being.

I can bet that if you just lost your first love, you are convinced that he/she is one of a kind and that you are never going to meet anyone quite like him/her, especially if you feel that you have never meet anyone like him/her before. Well, guess what - I can also bet that this is not true! The reality of the dating life of all people I worked with shows beyond any doubt that they meet many, many more people after their first love, who they fall in love with and who they consider to be very special in their own, unique way. It’s true that no two people are alike, but it’s also true that every person, including every subsequent person who you will date will have something special about him/her that your former love didn’t. So, don’t allow yourself to aggravate your heart even further by making yourself believe that your loss is irreplacable. This is simply not true.

Perceive your loss of first love as a positive stage in your life. It’s part of growing up, part of becoming mature and learning how to deal with breaking up and rejection. And the best part is that every subsequent break-up in your life will be easier as you will learn how to handle it and how to move on with your life.

Lastly, don’t consider your past relationships to be a waste of time. The only time when the relationship is a waste of time is if you were in it for the wrong reasons or if you didn’t learn anything from it and moved forward without becoming a better partner and without reflecting on the possible mistakes that you made in your last relationship that you could and should avoid in the future.

You enjoyed loving as long as it lasted. I sure hope that you learned something from that experience and that you also reflect on the possible mistakes you made. It’s never too early or too late to learn how to be a better relationship partner and how to avoid having the same problems in the future as you had in the past. 

The vast majority of people lose their first love and pretty much all of them live through it, becoming stronger and more mature individuals and lovers. You will be in the same group! Remember, a true champion does not deny his loss. He accepts it with grace and dignity, and does his best to learn from it, so that he moves on as a better and a stronger person. This applies to sports as well as love and dating.
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TEN LIES WE THINK ARE LOVE

TEN LIES WE THINK ARE LOVE

When we are born we are completely dependent on others for our survival both physically and emotionally. Most of us grew up with our physical needs being met adequately and emotional needs being met sporadically or not at all.

But when we were little and love was not as available or predictable we learned to live without it. We subconsciously created ways of thinking and behaving that helped us feel safer in what seemed like a random world. You may have tried different things to get more love and support you in feeling more loveable. Some of those ways worked and you did get more attention. To this day you may subconsciously still believe that you need these patterns in order to be loveable.

The 10 Lies We Think Are Love:

1. Food is love 
Our bodies require love through appropriate touch. When that need has not been met we often turn to food to fill us. The root cause of all addictions is the body's need for attention. Food feels good to the body. The body will begin to believe food is love and continually seek it out to get the feeling of sweetness and fullness that the energy of real love gives us when it is open and flowing in our being.

2. Sex is love 
This can play out in a way that supports people in fearing, hating and despising sex, or becoming addicted to it. If you were sexually abused or prematurely affected by sexual experiences, it is common to have the deeper belief of "I can only be loved for sex." Sexual encounters can feel abusive and leave you with a feeling of being used.

Sexual addictions are supported by the bodies need for affection and it has come through sexual encounters. Again the body needs touch and support. If you were sexually abused as a child or that pattern is still alive from generations past, your body may hold the belief of "my body is bad because it feels good." It goes through a cycle of feeling starved for love, getting a quick fix with sex, and then feeling bad for satisfying it's need for love with sex.

3. Money is love 
This pattern can get set up in families with money. When emotional love is not flowing freely, money is often used as a substitute. This can set up the siblings as rivals because they subconsciously know that there is not enough emotional love to go around and they must vie for mom and dad's money and possessions. Mom and dad's money and possessions represent the energy of real love that they have never had. As adults money represents security. Security supports us in feeling safe. This can also feel like love. The more money you have, the more safe you feel, the more loved you feel.

4. I have to be sick or ill to be loved 
If you were given more attention when you were sick or ill as a child, you may still believe that you need this pattern to get noticed. If you were healthy and well you risk the experience of no one caring about you. Doctors can feel like surrogate parents. They give you attention, advice, and hopefully encouragement. All the things you needed as a child. Your sickness may be a way to keep you from living your life fully or taking responsibility for your life because you feel incapable and afraid. It is something to fall back on when you need to escape and want to hide.

5. I have to suffer to get love 
People in abusive relationships are creating this pattern and are not familiar with healthy love and how it operates in a relationship. If you were beaten, slapped, hit, physically punished in your childhood or that pattern has been in your family, you may believe that love is being hurt. You will even sabotage healthy relationships to create this so you can feel your familiar experience again.

6. I have to fix people to be loved 
Many people have a deeper belief that if they are not helping people get better they have no value. If they have no value, they cannot be lovable. The problem with this pattern is if you need to fix sick and dysfunctional people in order to feel loveable, you will continually attract these people into your life and they will not get well. You need them to be "unfixable" so you can stay "loveable."

7. I have to control you to make it safe to let you love me 
Control is one of the biggest patterns in relationships. The deeper belief is "I will control you before you control me." It is common for two controllers to be together in a relationship both only seeing the other in the controlling pattern. I have worked with numerous couples where both are controllers. I will ask them separately "who do you believe controls the relationship?" They will always say, the other one does. Blame is a big part of the controller's experience. Victim energy is at the root of the pattern. At a deeper level if you still believe you are a victim, you may use control to create a feeling of safety to prevent yourself from ever being a victim again.

8. I have to please others to be loved 
This pattern is often the other common opposite of a controller pattern. It is more common for women to play this role in a relationship with a controlling man. In this pattern the person always is thinking of other people before they think of themselves. Everything they think or say is processed with the underlying thought "what will other's think, what do other's want, what do I have to do or say to make sure they are happy." Chronic Fatigue and other energy depletion disorders are common with this pattern.

9. If I let you love me, you will leave me 
Abandonment is at the core of this pattern. If you were abandoned as a child you may fear that the people you love get hurt, die or go away. In order to prevent this from happening you will not let a relationship go very far or you will sabotage it first. It is common to hold the deeper belief "I'll abandon you before you abandon me" because you are still believing that every relationship ends in abandonment so you might as well be in control of it. That way it doesn't hurt as much and it is more predictable.

10. Love hurts, relationships are painful 
This belief will only support you in creating unhealthy, painful relationships. You will continue to attract people that you create a lot of pain with. You will support your relationships in being painful in the way you perceive them, think about them and the choices you make in them. You will go from one relationship to another feeling victimized and hurt wondering when real love will come your way. Or you will believe you're stuck in a relationship that can never work and feel you will never be happy.